Personal Diary of Lt Col John Sheppard
by Mistress Elysia
Summary: Just a bit of silliness  begins around the Season 2 episode 'Trinity'. Dr. Heightmeyer has decided that the Atlantis crew need to write diaries to keep them grounded  Sheppard thinks this is a great idea until he is told he must 'lead by example'...


Personal Diary of Lt Col John Sheppard.

SUNDAY

Due to alleged 'issues' within Atlantis contingent, Dr. Heightmeyer has recommended that we all keep journals. Allegedly, this is to help keep us more 'grounded' – according to her, it helps us to 'sort through the trials we face daily'.

Thought it was a good idea until she told me that I should be leading by example…

sigh

Not that anyone but me will read this. Still, and order is an order (and if I don't, Elizabeth will purse her lips and fold her arms at me for the next month. At least.) So here I go…

… What the hell do people write in journals, anyway?

Sheesh…

MONDAY

How come no one's forcing Ronon to write a journal to help him face his problems?

There again, not sure Ronon even knows how to write…

LATER

Uh, found out that Ronon does indeed know how to write. He also knows how to threaten you in various imaginative ways I thought were confined only to Tarantino and Eli Roth movies.

With a pencil.

Note to self: Make sure all pencils have that nice, soft eraser on the end from now on.

Or just avoid Ronon for the next couple of days.

TUESDAY

Note to self – find person who told Teyla that 'babe' wasn't an Earth term of respect and shoot them.

Repeatedly, if necessary.

THURSDAY

Not talking to Rodney at the moment.

Went off world, discovered Super Weapon, destroyed a solar system.

Well, Rodney destroyed a solar system.

Five sixths of it, anyway.

Elizabeth is a bit miffed…

FRIDAY

Still not talking to Rodney

Elizabeth still a bit miffed. I know this because I have been put on laundry detail. The fact that I am actually a Lt. Colonel and therefore above such things seems to have conveniently passed her by.

However, Elizabeth quite scary when annoyed, so have decided it's probably best not to point this out.

At least I don't have to kitchen detail like Rodney does.

They're making fruit salad today…

WEDNESDAY

Apparently, Atlantis was built by 'stupid short stupid Ancestors'. Well, according to Ronon, anyway (and I choose to assume that the word he used means 'stupid'). I did think the standard issue beds looked a bit, well, small…

Anyhoo, found out today that the Marines have fashioned a 'My Little Ronon' set out of soap. Apparently, my instructions to help him 'play well with others' have been taken right out of context (the fact that he is now following me around like a lost puppy doesn't help, either).

Hope Ronon doesn't find out, as Marine mulch possibly one of the hardest things to get out of the carpet. Especially when we've just run out of Vanish.

LATER

Found Marines responsible and reminded them that Ronon knows 37 different ways of killing a Wraith with his bare hands.

48 if you give him a hairpin.

Not that I have hairpins.

Nor does he.

At least, I don't think he does…

THURSDAY

Having major sulk. Rodney used last of the hairgel as 'coolant'. Currently suppressing urge to use Rodney as 'target'.

Hair now flat and listless. Have refused to go off world until the Daedalus gets here with new supplies or Rodney makes me a substitute. Whichever is quicker. Can't let potentially open-minded alien babes see me with flat, listless hair.

LATER, ON M9G - 475

Stupid Elizabeth with her stupid superiority complex. "It's your job, John" my arse.

Just wait until they run out of red T-shirts…

FRIDAY

Not amused.

Rodney made hairgel substitute. It smells like rancid jellyfish. Later found out that's because it's actually made out of rancid jellyfish.

Hate Rodney sometimes.

SATURDAY

Damn! 3 showers later and there is still the lingering aroma of rancid jellyfish about me. I keep standing next to Ronon so people think it's him, but he threatened to 'sort out' my hair in a rather terminal way if I kept on doing so.

He was joking, of course.

Uh, he was, wasn't he?

LATER

Apparently, Satedan sense of humour not quite the same as on Earth.

Exactly where does he hide all those knives? Maybe Pegasus humans are in fact closely related to kangaroos. It would explain the punching. And quite possibly the bad temper, too.

Ronon quite, quite scary, sometimes...

MONDAY

Note to self: When Teyla tells you to 'start behaving like an adult', she means 'stop acting like a kid' and nothing else.

Absolutely nothing else…

TUESDAY

Most annoyed. Going to have words with the British contingent here and make them stop 'improving' Ronon's vocabulary.

Or at least get them to tell him that 'bollocks' is not a good word to use in polite company.

FRIDAY

V. odd last couple of days. Met man with Wraith daughter. At first quite, quite worried (and disgusted) as thought Wraith was, you know, actually his daughter. Although, when all is said and done, alien babes are alien babes, and although Wraith Queens are ugly as sin and scary as hell, they do have a nice pair.

Uh, hang on…

Did I say that out loud?

LATER

Seemingly not. Teyla still quite friendly, Rodney still quite annoying and Ronon still… whatever Ronon is. Angry, possibly. It's hard to tell sometimes.

Anyway. Man with Wraith daughter. He found her when she was young and the stupid moron – get this – took her home with him. Give that man a Noble prize. I mean, sheesh…

The upshot of it all is that – surprise surprise – she's been life-sucking people. I don't know; you bring them in, you house train them, you feed and clothe them and then they repay your kindness with mass genocide. The ungrateful wench. You'd think she was a Wraith or something…

In the end, Carson came with his retro-virus (why is it retro, I wonder? Does it want to live in the Sixties or something?) and the shit REALLY hit the fan.

You know – we should so realise these things are going to happen…

She turned into some kind of blue bug thing. And was, unsurprisingly, rather miffed about it all.

How do I know?

Well, I got whumped, didn't I?

Again.

So here I am, in the infirmary. Awaiting inspection.

Again

sigh

SATURDAY

Oh, yeah. Go Sheppard!

Beat Ronon in a running race AND snogged Teyla!

Go me!

LATER

Err, or maybe not.

Seems like I've got that retro-virus thing in my system.

Ahh, well, I'm sure it'll be okay.

Yeah. Sure it will.

SUNDAY

Is that a scab?

MONDAY

Okay, what is this, Intergalactic Freak Sheppard Out Day?

FRIDAY

No entries recently due to the fact that I mutated into a bug. Yes, that's right – a bug.

Not that I'm bitter.

Okay, not really a bug. I mean, I didn't grow an extra pair of arms or antennae or anything like that. More like a human bug thing.

Ick.

'Scuse me; I think I'm going to go and have another shower…

SATURDAY

If I find ONE MORE can of Raid in my bed, I am going to shoot someone. This is just not funny anymore, people!

And that includes YOU, Rodney!

MONDAY

I hate writing mission reports. I never know which bits to leave out.

Does Earth really have to know about The Bug Incident?

TUESDAY

Never have I seen a man so obsessed with socks. I mean, okay, so Ronon was on the run for 7 years and so good socks would have been a real luxury, but sheesh, you don't need test drive every pair you're given on some poor marine.

Note to self: Get suitable fruit basket for poor marine, c/o Carson.

FRIDAY

Note to Self: Finding A Ship Full Of Ancients Really Is Just Too Good To Be True.

I really should make that my mantra, you know…


End file.
